Procrastination and then some.

So – this is starting out being one of those blogs about blogs. Because I had an idea (I have many ideas), I started a blog, wrote a little bit, then walked away. My life is full of walks away. From myself, sometimes from others – but that’s another story and too old to rehash these days.

I have wonderful ideas – well I think so anyway. Sometimes I’m afraid of dying only because there are so many things I want to do/make/see/experience that I think I’ll miss out. Do we all feel like this? Some ideas I just think about. Most I ‘list’ – being a list freak and all. Often I do these little false ‘starts’, like almost beginning something but not quite getting there. Thinking about all of this reminds me of my 10-year-old son. He’s exceptionally smart (academically) but I figured out not too long ago that he had never finished a novel by himself. Ever. He starts one, then another, maybe four non-fictions books as well, then gets distracted by another – and it goes one. I felt sad for him. Never having the satisfaction of *finishing* a book. And there really is something satisfying about finishing a novel. Personally, I don’t like endings and always get a bit grumpy when I have to start a new book – but I still want to know how it ends. So back to my son, I tried to bribe him. I said that I would buy him a milkshake if he finished the book he was reading. That was maybe two or three months ago now and he still hasn’t finished it! Hmmm.

So back to me – I started this blog. I worry about it. I want to write – I even have a list on my desktop of things I want to write about. Perhaps it’s being conscious of the fact that some people actually read it? But I don’t know if that really bothers me. Why would I do it otherwise? I don’t believe these things are totally about doing something for ourselves. Bullshit. We all like to be noticed. Then there’s the age-old excuse that I don’t have time – this is bullshit too, I do have time. So what am I afraid of? If I keep on going will I get close to the ‘end’? There’s another ending huh – books end, life ends. And what is the end, how am I defining it? Ahh, now I’m getting too philosophical and my brain’s hurting.

If I don’t try, I won’t ever know. I say that to my kids often enough. I need to make space for myself, to sit and write. I don’t really like to think about it first, I just like doing it. And I don’t like mulling over what I’ve written either. Once it’s done, it’s done for me. Maybe a milkshake isn’t enough incentive for my son (Leo’s his name), but I’m not made of money – far from it these days. Time, I could offer him my time.

See my scattered brain? It feels terribly scattered to me – not all the time, but often. Little flashes of light floating in the ether around my head – that’s how I see my thoughts. ‘Tis time to go chop the last of the firewood – the kids will be home from school soon and I have meatballs to make.

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Comments
2 Responses to “Procrastination and then some.”
  1. judith Streat says:

    Well, I love reading your blogs, they’re intuitive, insightful and of course part of everything is about recognition, it’s fantasy that we ever really stand alone. I feel just the same way about books; grumpy at the beginning and abandoned at the end. As for false starts and endings, you’re not even half way through yet!!! I hope I never stop starting and one mustn’t forget or downplay the instance of an end of being a dedicated smoker. I so wish I could be there with you. Just treasure and keep those little flashes of light happening and well fed with ether. I’ve just been playing with the dictionary; ether’s pleasant smelling, which seems fitting to your order of senses and very rarefied. Interestingly, in figurative terms, rarefied means esoterically distant from the lives and concerns of ordinary people.
    J

    • Thank you. I’m going to follow through and write more often I think. As I said in the post, I do actually enjoy it once it’s done! You write well too Jude, perhaps you could start your own one one day :)

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